shattered glass

2002-12-24T16:32:00.000-05:00

I swear to God I hate holidays. Everyone is so stressed out and they just love to yell about it. At times like this I wish I didn't have a family. Why can't everyone just RELAX, stop telling everyone else what to do, stop cleaning, stop bitching, and stop being so damn annoying! Grrr...

I miss my friends. I don't miss school, just the people. Is that strange? Oh well if it is.

Nothing really going on except a lot of work and a lot of walking. Whenever I can't take my family anymore I go for a nice long walk to clear my head and keep my temper. It's that or risk getting kicked out of my house for some of the things I want to say. I swear, would they stop ARGUING!

*Sadness*

2002-10-07T19:00:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite poems I have written.

Shooting star, full of promise
I fear you.
Difference, divided you bring us.
Destruction, salvation.
A wave of desire
You come to...what?

-Nichole Baer 7/28/02

2002-10-07T18:53:00.000-04:00

I am so fucking sick of being used as a replacement. That is not what I'm all about. My whole life I've been used as such, I really do not appreciate. Fuck you all. I'm apparently only useful when someone "better" is no longer avaliable. Most of my problems currently surround such people, who either did so unknowingly (which I doubt) or chose to do so. It is really pissing me off.

First I was only good enough for Justine when she found out that Laura wasn't everything she thought she was, and even then I always felt second rate around her. I was always ignored during marching band as they had their "conversations" that I guess were too complicated for me to understand, otherwise I'm sure they would have included me.

Then we've got Justine's boyfriend, Matt, who apparently never likes me until Justine is gone. And then when she's at college and they're no longer together I suddenly seem to appear in his radar as a "replacement"? Screw that. He tries to tell me that I'm not, but what am I supposed to think when I read his blog and every third word is Justine and how much he, dare I say, loves her? And then he forgets about things we're doing in favor of running up to college to hang out, and neglects to tell me. It shouldn't bother me, I should be used to all this crap by now. But it does.

Not even to mention one of his first quotes about me was..."I like Nicole, I think she is going to make a good friend. It will never to more than that though, she really isn't my type. Can get a little annoying at times." Got to love that quote. Or what about this one? "Boredom, which has been my life for about a week now, with Justine gone, all I have is Nichole. She isn't a bad substitute, but the fact that she is visiting America's wang, doesn't help me." I love my life. And to paraphrase a more recent entry, "Before Justine and me there was Nichole. There always a spark there." Ooooo, suddenly jumping from a little annoying to a spark. I feel special. Screw you.

Have I even fucking got to Bretz, who by the way, I have liked for 3 years. Yeah, well his girlfriend moved away and then he suddenly notices me. What a coincidence. I feel real privledged. I even lo..ike the stupid prick. He is one of those guys that I can actually relax around. Damn...I hate my fucking life.

I'm only important when needed, I just haven't noticed how much it has been like this around here. Like I said, it shouldn't bother me, but it fucking does. Insult me all you want, deny as much as you like, the truth is I am right. Just a fucking replacement. Gotta love that. Boosts the self-esteem all right.

This is who I am. I can't change myself, nor do I wish to.

Home is where the heart is,
I know this is true.
For mine will never
belong to the places I do not choose.

Have you any idea...
who I am
where I belong
who I should be
where I'm from
how many faces I lie behind
or where to go when there is nowhere to hide,
what I've become
or what direction to go
If anyone knows, please give me a call.

You will not know it, but you are killing me silently. Tourtured lives we live.

Life is a jigsaw puzzle
many complicated pieces and parts
but only one solution

Our life is but a story which
countless pages are wrinkled and torn
stained by the tragedies and the blood of war.
The constant struggle for life and death,
Plague of untold dangers,
our lives roll on.
An endless circle we live.

2002-06-18T23:03:00.000-04:00

*grins* Happy Birthday to Matt! My friend James sent me this today. I think it is quite funny.

365 days of sex
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):

During the past year I have tried to make love
to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't
get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, playing video games
etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would you
prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.

2002-06-16T09:40:00.000-04:00

Oi...I come back and all of my PA friends are acting, well, odd. Not to mention Matt seems kind of confused and 'Stine, she's having the time of her life. But I don't feel like trying to write anything profound, so I'm going to just quote a great joke Ali found online.

Seventeen

One day this lunatic was jumping up and down on a manhole
cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen!!
Seventeen!!" Intrigued by the man's behavior, another man
walks over to him and asks why he's doing that. The crazy
man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it! Jump as
high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly
possible."
Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover,
barely hops and says, "Seventeen?"
The insane man says, "No, no, no! You're doing it wrong.
Jump higher.Yell louder."
So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and says,
"Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush.
Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"
At the height of his jumping, the crazy guy suddenly pulled
the manhole cover off, causing the man to fall to his
death.

Replacing the cover, the lunatic began jumping and
screaming again, "Eighteen!! Eighteen!!"

Like?

2002-06-10T14:31:00.000-04:00

Not much of a blog. Not much to talk about. Got bit, stubbed toe, ugh. Maybe more later.

2002-06-08T09:17:00.000-04:00

Well it is too early to be up. But of course I had to get up early because Ali wants to go camping. We decided not to go to the Disney camp because the only campsite they had left would end up costing each of us 20 dollars for services we didn't need. (RV support and we have only a TENT!) So instead of going there we're going to a KOA campsite practically on top of the Disney World attractions. Fun, fun, fun.

And the good news is...Ali found me a bathing suit. One that I had left there last year. A lot of fun. This will be the first time I will be camping at a KOA site, hopefully it will be a good experience! I'm not really sure what we're going to do there, but Ali seems to be semi-excited about it. No parents for her for a night and two days. Excitement abounds.

Can you even picture four girls going camping by themselves? If you knew these girls you'd be terrified. I wouldn't be surprised if they went insane and the funny farm came to pick us up I, for one, would have fun with the bouncy walls. I wonder if you can buy those for a personal room, like my own. What better way to have a sleep over than to have bouncing walls? It'll juszt keep the guest coming and coming...coming. Well, I've to go. Ali wants help getting her monsterous tent out of her disasterous closet. *Cringe* Sure to be a painful experience. 'Till next time.

-Nichole

2002-06-07T15:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm back like four hours later. *Sigh* It's been great here. Relief from parent hasselment for an entire week. Well, not complete relief I still have to call every day. Geez have a leash much? I sure hope that one day these people will actually leave me alone and have a life. Okay wishful thinking I know, but one can hope.

Anyway I am really tired. Can someone have jet lag without changing time zones? I wonder. If not I'm going to be enjoying some quality caffeine time. I love coffee! Yum. Last night after graduation and a short lunch at one of my favorite resturants (salads, soup, bread, and ice cream oh my) we went out. Specifically to this place called the egg platter. Quite an interesting place. There theme is chickens and eggs. And even though its called the egg platter, its more like a Denny's. It was good. And then after we watched movies for some time. It was great.

One of Ali's friends spent the night...er, Amanda. She was really quiet. It was scary. The most annoying thing was that I had no idea what she was like because she never talked! Anyway, Zach's party was changed to the Saturday after I return so I might do that if Matt doesn't feel like doing anything. I don't know. But I've got to go. Ali's dad wants to use the computer. 'Till later!

-Nichole

2002-06-07T11:51:00.000-04:00

Okay...I'm finally here! In Florida. Back where it is actually hot in June, not no freakin' 60 degrees like it was in Pittsburg, PA. But now Ali is being annoying so I have to leave take a person back to her house and then come back. *shrugs* Go figure. Be Back soon.

2002-06-01T18:39:00.000-04:00

Besides Justine's interesting opening post there is not much here to look at. Not that I'm entirely comfortable with someone actually looking at my personal thoughts...but heck just the thought of someone knowing of my crazy schemes is kind of scary. They might send the white coats after me. Okay Justine, I did not really set the kitties on fire no matter how much I wanted to. Oh look, someone is coming after me, not that I'm paranoid or anything.

I'm actually quite frustrated right now with my father. Don't get me wrong I love my Dad to death. It's just sometimes I can't stand to be around him. He really stands for everything I hate in most humans. He's a hypocrite, talks about things he doesn't really know about, racist, and hides everything he feels on the inside. Its the hiding everything that really makes him annoying to live with. One minute he's the perfect father...buying everything you secretly want and don't want. The next a complete sociopath screaming his frustrations to the world...mainly me and my sisters. Urg, he frustrates me so much. Like now he yelled at me for being rude because I wasn't ready to end the blog I JUST STARTED! That and he made such a big deal about me spending time with him, yet he his driving away because I wasn't ready to leave. Ass Er...and then he doesn't approve of my friends that aren't druggies but loves the ones that are (even if he doesn't know it), critizies my relationships with my gay friends, and basically tells me that I suck at writing and will never make it in the profession so I should just give it up now and not waste anytime. *Screams*

Okay, that was defiently a vent.

Will this day ever get better? Probally not seeing how I just yelled at my sister because she was telling me that being left behind was all my fault. I feel like I'm going to cry. Why does fate hate me so much? What the hell did I do to deserve this? Not only does my family not see eye to eye with me they struggle to make my life miserable. For example, I couldn't go out to the movies with Matt and Justine because my Dad wanted to go to the outlets with me and my sisters. So what does he do? He leaves me here feeling guilty that I stood up for what I wanted to do. Seriously, it only takes like 10 minutes to post. Why couldn't he have waited?

Now I feel left out of everything because everyone I know has someone and something to do and I'm stuck here all by myself. And of course, the tears won't stop falling.

-Nichole

2002-06-01T15:23:00.000-04:00

Three ... two .... one ... contact.

bold italic ~~strikethrough~~ underline justine